Yesterday, I reached the end of my rope.
I think the crying was actually the first sign of burnt-outness. The tear duct drain gave me a little releif, but wasn't enough to reset my attitude.
And so the pressure inside me built and built. It built during the day in Idaho Springs, and got worse during the gig that ranks as one of my coldest on record. The audience was unperturbed by the 40 degree weather and accompanying 40 mike an hour winds. I, on the other hand, was fairly miserable.
The pressure increased during the 12 hour drive to Sheridan, Wyoming during which we saw old Faithful (yay!) and went over two mountain passes (boo!).
It got more intense during our 7 hour drive to Boulder, the site of our two days off! It was relieved slightly when I got to see my cousin Daniel, whose more like my brother, and his wonderful girlfriend Alison. But the pressure spiked again after Lisel decided to drink some aromatherapy oil she found that was sitting in a small bowl. (Thanks to my cousin Ann for calming my fears. Your experience as a mom of five calmed me more than the call to poison control.)
And it reached it's limit yesterday when, after a fitfully sleep in the baby bus, I spilled Lisel's milk over the entire front area.
To which Dave actually said, "There's no use crying over spilled milk." As you can imagine, that was totally the opposite of helpful.
It wasn't that I was tired, though I was fairly exhausted, it's more that I just needed some serious space. I needed to not be required to be partner, mom or friend. I needed some time to just be Elizabeth. I think in the 5 days or so before that I had had a total of 4 hours tomyself--that includes showers, bathroom breaks, psuedo naps in the back of the bus and a little time to get work done.
I was toast.
Luckily Dave had seen this coming, and had suggested that each of us watch Lisel for 2 hours yesterday, meaning everyone got 4 hours off. And kind, generous, wonderful man that he is, he let me take 4 consecutive hours to myself.
And so, I walked. And walked. And walked. With no real destination. I stopped at the Tea House for coffee. I read True Blood recaps on my iPhone. I would love to see that TV show, but as I have so little time, I figure I'll probably never see it. The recaps were a nice substitution. It felt decadent, to do something so very silly and pointless while sipping my espresso.
Then I walked some more. It took me two hours of walking alone to finally start seeing what was around me -- namely a very beautiful little city called Boulder. The trees and the mountains and the flowers had been invisible to me before that...for the first two hours all I could see was the pavement below me and all I heard was the slap of flip flops and my thoughts...it was just Sesame Street songs and generalized agitation.
I found an Asian street food restaurant and slurped noodles and ate a pork bun and read even more recaps. I walked some more, and happened upon the only salon in the universe that was open on Mondays.
I got a haircut! Hallelujah! My locks have been unwieldy since long before we left, but there was so little time...but suddenly I had time...Dave even let me take some extra time...
4 and a half hours, 3 miles and one haircut later, I was reset. I was a new woman. I was ready for the road.
Add last nights ten hour snooze to the mix, and I'm actually looking forward to six days in Colorado without a break. You can't deny the beauty of this state full of mountains.
All I needed was a little time.
-- Post From My iPhone