Thursday, January 19, 2012

Why I Left, Why I Came Back

Yes, it's true. Once again, I left the internet for a while. And once again, I have returned.

I started a very long blog post about why I left. But it was so very long winded, and it basically just said the following thing.

I got very, very, tired.

I would venture to say I was exhausted. I hadn't slept a full night's sleep in months. I was not in a situation where I could create sleep friendly scenarios. I finally understood the term "under water" because that was how I felt. Like I was literally under water, looking up at the surface and watching the refracted sunlight make the sky look like a painting -- and I knew that up there was air and real life and releif. But I was held down and held back and so I just. kept. swimming. Swimming forward. Holding my breath.

I don't think I've ever been that stressed for that long. In the past, back before kids, when I felt this kind of  stress-outedness approaching, I would make my retreat. I would lock the door and turn off the phone and turn on the television and just not show up. For life. I would not show up for life.

But these are the days when not showing up is not an option. I cannot ignore my children. I cannot call in sick to work.  I cannot make the world go away.

But I can stop showing up to my blog. Stop checking my facebook. Stop reading other people's tweets. Ignore some emails.

It's like the only place where I can indulge the introvert within me is the internet, and this blog specifically.

And so one day, I just stopped blogging. And I told myself I would blog tomorrow, but tomorrow came, and then days after and then weeks after and the blogging never restarted.  I needed to be in my room, in my own head, alone, with no one privy to anything I had to say.

The internet, after all, would not miss me.  There are millions of cat videos and mommy blogs and tumblr threads out there, and they filled up any small hole I made instantly.

But now, after almost a full week of good sleep and exercise and good food and home, sweet home, I'm ready to open the door and start writing again. Some pretty rad stuff has been happening, and I want to talk about it.

So thank you blog, for allowing me to come and go at will. To show up or not, depending on how I'm feeling.

And right now it feels good to be back.


Nancy from KC said...

Sometimes you just need to disconnect. Glad your feeling better.

Kimberly said...

Hey- good that you are feeling better. Do what you have to to remain sane. You have a lot on your plate!


EMQ said...

Thanks y'all. It's amazing what a full nights sleep an do for one's outlook. Sudden I feel human again. It's feels so nice.

The Next Beyond said...

That's the best "I've been a bad blogger" post I ever read.