Resolved

I had big plans for the kids' first day back to school. But instead
I'm hanging with a sick yet hilarious kiddo at home

New Years Resolutions are like the adult version of the first day of school.  Every school year started with the younger version of me promising herself that this year, she would keep her binder in order rather than letting it become the disorganized explosion that it always became.  That she would be on top of her assignments and not leave them until the last minute. That she would take time with her appearance, and not look so unkempt all the time.  That she would watch less TV, read more, eat better, practice music more.

That the year ahead would be different from the one behind.

Yet they all seemed to end up the same.

20 years later I’m still tempted to make the same resolutions that I would have as a teenager on the first day of school. Learn to tidy up, look in the mirror before I leave the house, read more, veg out less, play more music...

The same old stuff.

But I have some other factors at work now. Namely two wee girls who are still incredibly dependent on me, and who’s states of being dictate a lot of my life.  I can resolve all I want, but there are days, weeks, months even when my desires for personal improvement take a backseat to the issues at hand.  And the fact that they travel around the country with us means that often I’m doing good just to get through the day.

I’d love to resolve to watch less TV, to let the girls watch TV and I know that sometimes I’ll be able to reign our collective addiction in. And then other times we will cover 5,000 miles in a week and, well, TV will be watched.

I’d love to feed my family locally, organically grown food, and sometimes I’ll be able too. And then other times, in the middle of a long tour, or after a particularly sleepless night, it’s McDonalds for breakfast, pizza for lunch and cookies for dinner.

I would love to be totally present and patient with my kids, all the time. And some days I will be. Somedays the neither poop nor puke nor massive attacks of whininess will break my stride. But there will be other days, when for whatever reason -- exhaustion or the cycle of the moon or just my general state of orneriness -- where I will want nothing more than to be alone, and everything the wee ones do will frustrate and/or infuriate me.

I would love to be awesome all the time. Sometimes I am. But this year, I resolve not to be too upset when I am unable to reach, or even approach, awesome. I resolve to accept the ebb and flow of my life.  I resolve to strive for awesome, and be kind to myself when I’m not. And by extension to be kind to the other folks around me, who would probably be awesome 100% of the time if only they had nothing else to do.

I think this may be a resolution I can actually keep.