Wednesday, May 2, 2012

What We Did This Weekend -- Touchy and Tender

Practicing those harmonies before the gig

We opted to take the bus and leave the kids at home with sitters, because at the time it seemed like the right thing to do, routing wise.  It would give them time at home without having to drive, and we wouldn't be gone that long, and plus we parents would have the extra added benefit of having some kid free time. That meant time where we could get some shit done!

I seemed like the right move.

But then Friday ended up being a leave early in the morning, get back early the next morning deal, rather than a leave in the afternoon type situation. And we had some unexpected and blameless last minute sitter kerfluffles. And so, you know mild stress. Longer time away from the kids. Which could have, probably should have meant more time to get stuff done. But what it meant for me was falling into yet another tv hole.

Have I talked before about how tv is my strongest addiction?  About how the recent digital revolution that has made television so plentiful and accessible has not helped me in my struggles against serialized shows.  Dude, I can watch unlimited tv for free on my phone!  Luckily my parenting role leaves little time for pointless acitivity, plus demands that I avoid the boob tube in hopes of modeling good behavior for my kids.

But when the kids are at home, mom will zone (out).

This time I fell into a Grimm-hole (It's quite nice in dark and scary, faintly Buffy the Vampire Slayer type way. And Sasha Roiz needs to call me!) But I felt weird about it all day. Not like I usually do when I have time to do nothing -- usually I feel all "Ahhh! sigh of relief." But Instead I felt like. "What am I doing? I miss my kids. I should really be doing something productive. Next episode? Why yes, I think I will."

These days time is such a scarce commodity. I love my kids and I love my job, but I want to do other things too you know. Write songs, collaborate with friends, compose blog posts...but if you're playing with your kids you can't write a song, and if you're writing a song then you're not blogging, and if you're blogging then you don't have time to respond to emails, and if you respond to emails then you don't have time to get those ideas together for the kickstarter project that you want to put together with Brothers Lazaroff, and if you're getting your ideas together then you don't have time for exercise, and if you're laying in your bunk watching Grimm, then none of anything that you want to do but  normally don't have the time to do is getting done.

And yet, I kept watching. And feeling bad about myself for watching, but still watching.

Plus both gigs we played this weekend would have been perfect to bring the kids to, what with the perfect weather and the outdoor beauty and all.

I just felt tender all weekend. Maybe that's because I was emotionally flogging myself for not being productive. Maybe that's because it was too soon to go away from the kids...I wasn't all burned out like I had been when we went to the Midwest without them. Anyway, what I thought would be fun, ended up being decidedly not. The gigs were fun, but the free time, not so much.

When we finally got back home, then I felt right. With my kids, with limited free's the new world order for us. And I like it (most of the time).

Plus Sunday I got to sing the national anthem at the last baseball game between U.T. and Texas A&M. Totally fun, even though I may have flubbed the harmonies on a line.  I never, ever, never have cared a whit about sports, so I'm always surprised how powerful walking onto a field of play feels. Yet another perk of my job. And after it was done I ran home and spent time with my kids. And that's powerful too.

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