When we finished the drive from Llano to Red River, I thought we were done with all night drives. I hate them and fear them with equal passion. Their absence makes me ecstatic.
And then, the day before we left Phoenix, Dave told me that we would, in fact, need to drive all night to make it to Santa Ynes. We were 8 1/2 hours from our destination. And the last time we had driven that far during the day it had taken almost 12 hours. Plus, a large part of the drive was in the desert. Better to cover that kind of ground during the cool nighttime. We'd end up in the morning near Santa Barbara, where we could rest and play on the beach.
Fair enough, I thought
And so, even though I had been solo parenting for two days, and was admittedly crispy, I gave Dave the day off.
Which is why when he woke me up 2 1/2 hours into our drive, saying he was so tired he couldn't drive, I got a little upset.
And by a little upset I mean ragingly, unfortunately, seeing-red angry.
Because I had handed him kid free time in which to prepare for this trip! What had he been doing? Not sleeping. Perhaps getting work done? Swimming? Whatever it was, it hadn't been worth me giving up my day for it.
Now look. I can see now that I was being, um, slightly irrational. That he should be commended for not trying to soldier down the road while falling, and yes, I am going to actually write this, asleep at the wheel. That he had already driven thousands off miles on this trip. That he had never, if ever, asked me to spell him so early in a drive.
Nope, all I thought was "I'm burnt out you jerk! How do you expect me to do this. And why did I try to help you in the first place!"
I think I said to Dave at 3 am only with far more expletives involved.
And I continued the tirade even after he had retaken the wheel, and I had slept for an hour more.
Look, it's not pretty. And I don't condone it. But I did it.
Of course it all evened out. I mellowed out and apologized eventually. Eventually.
That's the deal with partners. You get to be your full on, deepest, most complex self with them. Which means they see all your beauty and all of your shadow self.
Dave definitely saw my shadow self that night and day.