Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The first night without her.

That's what tonight is.

We're playing Wasau, Wisconsin. It's 5 hours away from the outskirts of Chicago, where we were last night. The weather is a nasty "wintery mix." Add to that a projected 8 hour drive to Indianapolis tommorrow with a route that will take us right by Chicago and you have the perfect conditions for a "save the baby and the grandparents a trip in the Baby Bus."

So Dave and I took the Band Bus, or as we call it, the Big Bus, up to Wasau. My folks got a room down near Chicago, and are keeping Lisel with them. This really makes the most sense. Lisel gets out of ten hours in a car seat, my folks get some serious grandbaby hang time and we all get out of a potentially harrowing ride in the Baby Bus. It all good.

Except that I miss my baby!

I haven't spent a night away from her since her birth 3 months ago, though technically, since she was living inside me for 8 1/2 months before that, I really haven't been apart from her for this long in 11 1/2 months.

Dude, that's a seriously long time.

Right now, it's not so bad. I took a for real nap on the way up here (uninterrupted sleep is a glorious thing!) I'm chillaxing in the hotel room before the gig. I'll go work out here in a minute. It's kind of like the pre-baby road days.

But tonight...I fear that I won't be able to sleep. You see Lisel sleeps with us. It's really the most awesome thing. We get all cuddly and snuggly-like, one sleepy family. I nurse her to sleep lying down, and then again at some point during the night. This morning, I woke up between Dave and my daughter, and watched as the two of them as stuck their tounges out at each other, each one cracking the other one up.

It's really the most awesome thing.

This is what we wake up too!

It's snowing outside my window.

Which should confirm that this is really for the best. I'll see her tommorrow. She'll be fine and I'll be fine and we'll all be fine. But there is a part of me that just can't hardly stand this separation, even for one night. I'm drawn to her in such a physical way that to be apart from her causes a panicky kind of pain inside of me. I feel it now.

I expect tears.

It's so weird. Even when I was pregnant, I thought that having a baby would be so demanding, that I would long for time away from her. Alone time to be the singular self I was before I had a child. But rather than drain me, she fills up my soul with joy and delight. It's being away from her that bums me out.

I guess this is motherhood.

-- Post From My iPhone


Al said...

Oh, Elizabeth! You made me teary eyed! I TOTALLY understand! I have yet to leave Jonah for a night and he's 19 months old. I just can't bear the thought of not seeing my little guy in the morning. I would just hate to miss cleaning his eye boogies while he gives me those sloppy kisses, and laughs as we roll around in bed, even if it's for just one night.

Welcome to motherhood, my friend. The most fascinating journey you'll ever take.


You got it. What a wonderful early Mothers' Day card. You said it.

ALBraziel said...

Beautiful. Perfectly stated. I know the feelings.